Persisting in 2023: How An Email Totally Derailed My Life Plan

Life can be really odd sometimes, huh? But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. So let me try this again.

Hello there! I’m Shealea, the soul behind this blog. 🌻 And while you probably already know that, I can’t help but feel that a quick reintroduction is in order. Mainly because this space has been accumulating virtual dust bunnies by the minute. And frankly, writing this blog post feels like putting on an old favorite sweater and immediately noticing that the fit is a little snugger than usual. It’s just not quite the perfect fit anymore. (A totally separate topic for a different day, maybe?)

But with everything going on lately, I figured that a little tightness might not hurt. Especially when things feel shaky, unstable, and uncertain. Moreover, while much remains unknown to me right now, I do know one thing: Whenever life feels like too much, writing never fails to ground me.

And so, on that note, here I am, revisiting this space and gently sweeping out the cyber-dust from its floors. Here I am, writing again to you, my dear old friend. And I guess, more importantly, writing for myself.

I suppose in many ways, this is a life update. One that’s probably long overdue. So, sit comfortably, grab your beverage of choice, and let’s finally get into it.

Looking Back On 2022

(trigger/content warning: COVID-19, declining mental health, suicidal thoughts)

2022 was not my year. That’s as mildly as I can describe it. It was extremely unkind to me and my overall health.

Ever since I finally caught COVID-19 for the first time back in late June 2022, so many things weren’t quite the same again. Including myself. Until now, I’m still not convinced that my brain and body have fully recovered. I get physically tired more easily. I am more prone to falling ill whenever traveling frequently. More susceptible to headaches and migraines. Recurring bouts of insomnia and sleep problems. Brief, occasional dizziness when standing up. And this doesn’t even touch on the mental, emotional, and psychological turmoil of being the person responsible for spreading COVID-19 to an entire household. For being the culprit behind my younger sisters not being able to taste their food and my mother being bedridden for days. For being the reason why so many family plans were canceled. It was a really rough time for me and my loved ones.

And truthfully, the rest of the year just outright sucked. The looming threat of my 26^th birthday in August filled me with intense existential dread and anxiety. Instead of feeling grateful for having lived another year, I felt so unbearably resentful. Resentful for still living in fear of a virus. Resentful for residing in a broken country with broken systems where a brutal dictator’s son has risen to the presidency (by a landslide, no less). Resentful for failing to meet society’s expectations for breadwinning eldest daughters. Resentful for failing to meet my own personal measurements of success. And extra, extra resentful for having less time to attain them.

Throughout the last months of 2022, the feeling of being a living, breathing failure only continued to grow. Especially when I began to feel stuck in certain areas, such as my career and relationships with other people. I grew increasingly frantic and desperate and lonely and helpless. Like there was no way out for me, except to end it all. And if I’m being perfectly honest, I craved it and I craved the feeling of relief it could grant me. Although I never acted upon it, that itch inside of me remained and continues to remain in this tired, battle-weary body. Mostly fleeting, occasionally resurfacing, but always lurking. Patiently waiting for a trigger.

Not to sound totally unserious for a moment, but I genuinely believe that what got me through 2022 was the knowledge that if I ended my own life, my family would legally be unable to reap the death benefits of my insurance package. That and not wanting to make a bloody mess, you know? Say what you will, but sometimes practicality is key. (Pretty weird to end this on a flippant note, but honestly, how do you go about telling an online audience that you’re occasionally a passively suicidal individual?)

For reasons mentioned above and more reasons that I am too tired to delve into, 2022 left me in the worst mental headspace. I am wonderful and deserving of light, love, joy, and kindness — most especially from myself. But the emotional toll of last year has made it more difficult for me to truly believe this. Frankly, I feel so disconnected from myself these days. Like I’m a stranger to my own self. And that’s been incredibly terrifying.

Reflecting On 2023 (So Far)

I wish I could tell you that this new year started more kindly, more warmly. But alas, it did not. On social media, I’ve been making jokes that run along the lines of “Nah, my 2023 will start in February.” And that’s basically because January felt like an extension of 2022. The punches kept coming. And the biggest blow? Suddenly needing to move out and relocate closer to work, which is in the heart of the urban jungle they call Metro Manila.

Some of you may know that ever since the first lockdown in 2020, I had moved back to my home province, wherein I happily embraced and reacquainted myself with the probinsyana lifestyle. I had been able to stay home for around 2 years because I was allowed to work remotely. But with most corporate companies returning to the office last year, I had known that it was only a matter of time before I was required to do the same.

True enough, the mandatory return-to-office (RTO) announcement arrived via email in late January. While I understood the inevitability of it, I was nonetheless taken aback by the timeline. Moreover, I worried about its impact on my personal finances, lifestyle, and goals for this year — including my dream to fund my first-ever solo trip abroad and to watch my first-ever K-pop concert. To make matters worse, I was still recovering from huge holiday spending and recent large expenses, such as the $700 hosting plan to keep this blog running for another 3 years. Honestly, it felt like I had to move mountains to make this sudden relocation happen on time. Which includes cutting corners budget-wise and setting some dreams aside. I’m still sad about it.

But more than anything, to be clear and transparent, this is not how I wanted to move out. This is not how I planned to start the next chapter of my life as an independent, working adult. I had always envisioned moving out willingly, voluntarily, and of course, comfortably. The situation I was given, however, was very far from my ideal. And I think that’s what made the move-out experience more dreadful than exciting.

In any case, I’m here now! 🌈 Writing this blog post from the cozy comforts of my new condo unit. As my friend Kate said the other night, I’m currently living my Manila condo girl era! ✨

Specifically, I moved in around a week ago. Hence, why it’s taken this long for me to sit down and write to you. But I digress. Having been here for a week, I think I’m beginning to feel more grounded. Although the process of moving out was awful and high-key stressful, I’ve settled here quite nicely. I enjoy the quiet mornings to myself. I adore the city skyline view from my window. (There was a firework display show on my first night here! 🥰) And I’m finding that I also like the freedom that comes with mobility and independence.

So, yes, a single email swiftly and effectively derailed my major plans for 2023. And in many ways, it feels like I’m back to square one, with the need to set new plans, new goals, and new dreams for myself. But at this point, I am able to craft them with a renewed sense of optimism and enthusiasm. With a growing appreciation for the expansive possibilities that lie ahead.

Intention For 2023

Unlike last year, I struggled to decide on my one-word mantra for this year. It was extremely important for me to find the right word since it would act as my guiding philosophy for the many, many months to come. But after a lot of introspection, one word kept resurfacing in my thoughts. And after recent events in my life, I’m more confident than ever that I’ve found it.

To persist is to continue — firmly, resolutely, and even stubbornly if the situation calls for it. While the dictionary describes it as “keeping at it” and “not taking no as an answer”, I think being persistent is less about getting your way. Rather, persistence is the refusal to lose sight of where you want to be, regardless of the obstacles and difficulties that come your way.

By now, I’m sure that 2023 still has a lot of curveballs with my name on them. And I’ll be forced to make more changes and adjustments along the way. But I will keep going, fight to continue existing, and hold onto the person I want to become. Happier, kinder, freer. I will choose to persist.

Final Thoughts

To be perfectly candid, this is the most vulnerable piece I’ve written for this blog in what feels like forever. In fact, this might just be the most vulnerable I’ve been with you, period. And it feels really weird and a little scary but also liberating in some ways.

I’m a little rusty when it comes to blogging. But I’m genuinely so excited to start documenting this new chapter of my life here. Maybe this will finally be the year I start diversifying my content for real? The possibilities are endless! And I look forward to sharing them with you.

In the meantime, I am currently looking for part-time or project-based gigs to help me stay afloat for the next few months. If you have any leads for content writing, virtual assistance, or social media management, that’d be extremely valuable to me! And if you want to further support me on this journey, here are some ways that you can help:

Leave a one-time tip and help in paying for my website hosting plan.
Use my affiliate links for Amazon, Fully Booked, and Scribd, which I use to buy and read more books.
Do your online shopping with my Lazada affiliate link, which allows me to earn a small commission that I can use for groceries and household items.
Join my Patreon, which I’m hoping to finally launch this year.

And before I forget, happy 2023, friends!